Mr Bernie "he made off with my money" Madoff, 70, was a Wall Street legend before his arrest by two FBI agents at his $5 million (£3.3 million) apartment on New York's Upper East Side. Born to a New York's Jewish family in 1938, at the age of 22 he put the $5,000 proceeds of his summer jobs into launching his first business - an investment firm. As it later transpired we believe he may have stolen the entire $5,000 from the Salvation Army collection tins over the Christmas break and we know of at least 6 paper boys who have come forward saying that Madoff ran a protection racket amongst lemonade stand vendors, paperboys and kids working at the local burger joint.
Within a decade he had developed an impressive client list, conning at least every other person he knew to invest with him. Un-named sources say that Madoff even included the likes of Sadam Hussein, Idi Amin, Adolph Hitler's descendants, the legendary dictator and mastermind of the Killing Fields of Cambodia, Pol Pot and his mum. He branched into investment banking and by the early 1990s had soared to such heights and reputation that he became chairman of the Nasdaq Stock Market and head of the underground movement "ISOPWLTROL" (International Society of People who love to ruin others lives). He was also a member of "IKKFF" (I kill kittens for fun) and founded the organization "SDAJWHM" (some day all Jews will hate me) which included high profile members such as Chemical Ali.
Mr. Madoff had homes in Manhattan, the upmarket New York summer haunt of the Hamptons and Palm Beach, Florida. Many of his clients were recruited at country clubs in those affluent high-society enclaves. It is said that Madoff slept in a coffin at night and that it was not uncommon to see bats exiting his den as the sun rose over the Hamptons. We also understand that he imprisoned homeless people, poked fun at the disabled and liked to laugh heartily at others' misfortunes.
You had to be invited to get an "in" with Bernie, as friends knew him, although many are now wishing it was more like a "weekend at Bernies" where the central figure was a corpse. Having said that this allure of exclusivity and reputation for impressive financial returns helped convince many investors of his financial bona fides, even though some money men raised repeated concerns about his firm's zero volatility results and lack of oversight. In fact so concerned were authorities that they did absolutely nothing to act on these suspicions further fueling the rumor that Madoff had performed some sort of religious voodoo on the SEC investigators or indeed may have had photos of them having sex with chickens and other birds of a feather, thus shutting down any investigation into his activities.
Mr. Madoff and his wife Ruth were fixtures on the so-called "Jewish circuit" in New York and Florida where they were long-standing members of the Palm Beach Country Club. Mr. Rubenstein, a local resident, once raised concerns about Madoff's behavior when he saw him conducting an Aryan Rally in Daytona Beach. Mrs. Weinstein of apartment 10b also said she once saw Madoff having a "swastika" tattooed on his left ass cheek by a local biker. The reports that he was an undercover Nazi have done nothing to comfort the feelings of the Jewish community which has been devastated by his conduct.
The couple was renowned for their charitable work and gave away millions to arts and education groups and Jewish charities. They also served on the boards of several prominent foundations, theatres and colleges. It wasn't until his arrest that it was discovered his charitable foundation was in fact conducting illegal experiments on live children and harvesting their organs for sale on the black market. Many of those who won an "in" with Mr. Madoff have now lost their life savings after trusting everything to "Bernie". However the good news is that he is still living comfortably in his expensive New York Penthouse and I just saved $300 on my car insurance.
According to prosecutors, when asked by the FBI agents about his revelation to his amazed sons that his business was collapsing, he said simply: "There is no innocent explanation; I am the devil in disguise and if you come any closer I will eat your liver"
Madoff is under house arrest in New York City.
The entire content of this ariticle is a mixture of fact and supposition.
The author wished to remain anonymous for fear of being excessively congratulated for his investigative prowess.
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